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Fathers Battling Injustice
Another "Deadbeat Dad" in the Making????
Posted By: Steve Martin
Date: Saturday, 19 February 2000, at 12:45 p.m.
Dear Val (Valerie Gibson) This article first appeared on February 8, 2000. Don't go off the pill and get pregnant I certainly know the pleasures of dating younger. I wrote a book about it and practice what I preach. But delightful, exciting, sexually fulfilling and life-enhancing though such a liaison may be, I also know the drawbacks. Take, for instance, the "having children" stuff. He may want to, you've already been there, done that. This works both ways. I've always maintained there's little difference between an older woman/younger man and an older man/younger woman relationship except a reproductive one. Yet this can be the iceberg, which sinks an age-gap love affair. DEAR VAL: I've been dating a 48-year-old father of three for two years. He is legally separated but the divorce is not finalized. I'm in my early 20s and enjoy the attention he gives me compared to guys my age. But I'm getting tired of sharing the little time we spend together with his sons. This may sound selfish but we only see each other once or twice a week as we live in different towns and he has many work and family commitments. We enjoy doing things together but it's hard to get to know him better when the kids are tagging along. I'm on the pill and told him I don't want kids because I didn't want to scare him away as he said he doesn't want any more. But I want a serious and permanent commitment from him. Part of me would like a baby with him before he gets into his 50s and has grandchildren. I'm thinking of going off the pill without telling him. I know this is an immature idea but a baby would force him to get serious about us. What do you think? -- UNDECIDED, MISSISSAUGA DEAR UNDECIDED: My first advice is don't go off the pill and get pregnant. Using a baby to "force" someone to get serious about you is not just immature, it's downright irresponsible. Besides, it may have the opposite effect. He may dump you once you're pregnant as he has made it quite clear he doesn't want any more children. I think there are a few serious problems here. You chose a man with three children but don't enjoy being with them and don't understand his fatherly commitment. You also don't realize that if you marry you would be their stepmother, like it or not. Not a good situation for any of you. Also, he's 48 and done with having children -- you are young and have a long life ahead. You will undoubtedly want a child at some point and if he doesn't give you one, you'll find someone who will. So what future is that for him? I suggest you look on this relationship as interim and not forever. Enjoy the attention and the experience but know it may not last. Not necessarily because of the large age gap, although you seem to be unaware of the drawbacks of this, but because you have incompatible goals, needs and outlooks on life.
Renate,
After his future ex-wife has finished cleaning him out, what level of support should this gentleman have to pay to this twenty year old whom obviously is going to have a baby without his input? Also should the support end when he is dead or continue as long as this young woman with the help of government can collect off his estate? What level of support should his heirs pay to help subsidize her future monthly "Mother's Allowance" cheques? I am interested to hear your input!
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