Fathers Battling Injustice

Advice for Cindy

Posted By: r-man
Date: Monday, 13 March 2000, at 4:49 p.m.

Cindy,

I don't necessarily agree with the recommendation below of "treatment" for your brother. You didn't state that your brother is or was an addict. Some people use substances recreationally, and also for self-medication during tough times in their lives, which can lead to abuse and dependence. Let's face it, most people have done dope or consumed alcohol, some to excess, at some point in their lives. While a proportion of these may truly be addicts and absolute abstinence may be their only outcome, I would submit that many just mature out of substance abuse on their own. In much the same way as some *professionals* are in the divorce and domestic violence industries for profit, so are some in the addiction field (read Dr. Tana Dineen's Manufacturing Victim's, http://www.scholefieldhouse.com/mv/ ). In fact, many addictions counsellors are true addicts themselves, and are biased by their own personal AA/12-step/powerlessness experiences. This may be the appropriate treatment for some, but not necessarily for your brother.

If your brother is not abusing any substances, why should he go for treatment? Especially since he is outside the DSM-IV 12-month window (symptoms must occur within a 12-month period). My concern would be that this could and likely will be used *against* him in court. Especially since he's male (if he were a she, treatment would be more likely to be interpreted as positive). There's a timely article on trying to "erase" a past problem diagnosis and treatment history on the main page at Stanton Peele's site ( www.peele.net ).

On the flip-side, can he prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that she is abusing drugs? In any event, I'd suggest the most he do is retain a doctor (not someone she would know about) to have him submit to regular and random drug screens. No one need know, and in the event she makes the allegations, he can then produce clean test results dating back to whenever.

"She claims she can get everything." She can. One 911 call or one false allegation of physical/sexual abuse, and he's toast for at least a year (read my post below under "Ex threatens me w/wanted poster ...", for the mechanics of this). Biodad is absolutely right that your brother needs to build up a war chest. My own battle cost approximately $65K for a year and a half, and I did much of the legal legwork myself.

Odds are she blames him for the breakdown of the family. Check out Erin Pizzie's article re. the "Emotional Terrorist" at

http://www.psychstat.smsu.edu/mens/violentwomen.htm

If this is the case, her lawyer and shelter-types are convincing her that she is the victim and he is the perpetrator. She is likely weak and vulnerable, and perfect prey to be drawn into their cult. Their advice and counselling will only cement her resolve to punish him. She may also think that she can use the kids as a tool to keep him in her life, i.e. withhold the kids (sole custody, restraining order, etc.), and he will come back no matter what.

My advice to your brother under the circumstances is try to get someone neutral (mediator, counsellor) to intervene before she goes ballistic. Even if it's under the pretence that there may still be hope for the relationship (worst case scenario is you have the counsellor as a witness for later). You want to avoid litigation if at all possible, at least until he has the evidence/witnesses to advance a favourable case. Once the affidavits containing the false allegations against your brother are filed during the peak of her anger, it's a done deal. Even if she settles down, she won't be able to recant (or was that recount, Dad? :) ) them under fear of being found guilty of perjury, and what shred of trust may have existed between them will be gone forever. She will place even greater trust in her lawyer and the shelter-types - she'll have no one else. And so the journey begins ...

On a final note, if they are not yet separated, he may wish to have a trusted friend/family member manage the war chest for him (she'll have a claim to most of what he has when they separate - wouldn't want her financing her battle against him with his own money, as often happens with interim child and spousal support payments). And if he feels compelled to leave, do so quietly, and take his stuff with him, otherwise he may never see it again. (Keep the kids in mind though).

Just my two cents worth. Best of luck - let us know how things go. r.