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Fathers Battling Injustice
Re: Stand in there Manny
Posted By: Sue In Response To: Stand in there Manny (Gordon Bolton)
Date: Sunday, 8 August 1999, at 5:33 p.m.
Yes, Manny - Hang in there...
I am not a parent, but my childhood was plagued by a malicious (as well as abusive) mother.
My sisters and I were older than your children when my mother (after having left us to go off with another man for almost a year) decided she wanted 'her house' back - unfortunately that meant she got us too..
We'd had to say all things thay happened to us were done by our Dad - and no one talked to us on our own where 'she' wasn't listening so we had to say what we were told.
She told us that if we went to see or talk to our Dad she'd kill us - if he sent us anything for birthdays or Xmas she'd make us take them back - if he didn't she would tell us that she'd always told us he was a ba**ard - and look he'd not even bothered about a card..
She always told us all sorts of nasty lies and we used to pretend to believe her and join in and when folk came say how we were glad he was gone...
But you know what? we knew in our hearts our Dad loved us - we just did what we had to do to stop from being beaten - we always knew that he wasn't as she said - and he always found a way to get round her - like we'd sometimes get a birthday card from 'your special school friend' :)
So I guess I'm saying like Miriam has said - no matter what your children say when they are not alone with you - try not to let it get to you - I'm sure that once alone and feeing safe that no one else can hear they will be themselves again.
Kids learn their own ways to survive - and it's important that they do - maybe not physically in your children's case - but having your Dad constanty put down, and being constantly told he doesn't love you, or that he hurt you, is as hurtful as any beating. I'm sure it's part of their way to 'keep everything nice' that they go along with what mummy says. Also it may be harder for them if they love their mum too - we never had that conflict as our mother'd always been cruel to us so we were always scared of her - but I'd imagine if one loved two people the tempation to keep the one you are living with happy and to stop that one saying bad things about the other parent would be a form of 'survival'
I admire you so much for making such an effort never to say anything negative about their mum in your chuldren's hearing. Honestly, I csn tell you from our experience they will remember that and will always feel able to trust you.
Take care and God bless
Sue
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